Omni-Genre+Magazine

Doug Donnan

Executive Editor/OMNI-GENRE+MAGAZINE!

                              

                  

                  

                







  "Occupational Hazard"

                 

     by  Doug Donnan   

 

             

                                Barnowl, Arkansas

    

     “Christ it looks like half the damn town is out there!”

Mayor Kleindienst almost shouted as he leaned forward and

squinted a look through the rain washed windshield of the

idling patrol car. “Why don’t you just tell them to move

along…no loitering here ya’ll or whatever?”

   Across the spreading Home Depot parking lot a large

crowd of Barnowlians had gathered just outside the main

entrance to the massive hardware store. They were now

creating somewhat of a row as they chanted their displea-

sure with this and that. Soggy, dog-eared homemade protest

signs and multi-colored umbrellas bobbed up and down like

a scene out of some bizarre low budget Fellini film. A few

of the store’s steadfast security team had formed an almost

comical looking human wall from beneath a tight pod of

their own large bright orange umbrellas. It was a silly,

waterlogged standoff at best.

     “Already tried all that stuff mayor,” Chief Newell chewed.

     “What in the world are they complainin’ about Tom?”

Kleindienst tried as he slapped the dashboard. The local

media is gonna’ have a field day with all this nonsense.

What are we gonna’ do?”

     “I don’t really know what these folks are so up in

arms about. Been watchin’ too much TV I figure. All that

'occupy this’ and ‘occupy that’. Troublemakers is what I

say. I recon’ they figure they got some kinda’ damn right.

But, I do know what we’re gonna’ do about it.” Newell said.

     “What’s that?” asked the rattled mayor.

     “I got us a robot from the boys up at Fort Chaffee.”

     “The army?” Kleindienst replied in astonishment. “A

robot…what in hell are you gonna’ do with a damn robot?”

     “Ya’ know sumthin’ mayor,” Newell almost sighed as

he turned to face the wide-eyed Kleindienst. “With all

due respect, if it weren’t for askin’ questions you probably

wouldn’t have nuthin’ much to do in life!”

     “Have a heart will ya’ chief? I mean please,” he

whined, “I have to think about my position in this half-ass

town. I gotta’ family and two dogs to feed!”

    

     “Okay mayor don’t get your feathers wet,” he chuckled

as he adjusted the squad car’s wiper speed. “Not the army…

the national guard.”

     “Whatever,” Kleindienst sighed.

     “It’s a state-o-the-art contraption called a,” he

stopped as he pulled a rectangular yellow Post-It note

from inside his service hat. “A Modular Advanced Armed

Robotic System…Mars for short. It even has sumthin’ they

got programmed into the thing called a ethics catagrizer.

They told me the damn thing can tell who the bad guys are

and who they ain’t… before it acts!”

     “Acts?” Kleindienst replied and then quickly colored

as he tried to decide if that was a question or not. “I’m

a little confused sheriff. If your police people can’t get

these bastards to cease and scatter, what makes you think

some silly army…military robot is gonna’ do any better?”

     “Because,” Newell responded matter-of-factly, “this

thing is programmed to take no prisoners and it’s loaded

for bear…megaphone, tear gas and pepper spray cannons, even

got rubber bullets if necessary. The whole nine yards.”

     The mayor pulled a fleshy mitt of sausage-like fingers

down the full of his sweating face. “This is insane chief,”

Kleindienst gasped. “You can’t unleash something like that

on a group of law-abiding citizens. The Constitution of the

United States gives them every right to—”

     “Save the speech mayor,” Newell cut in as he snapped

up the hand transmitter from the dashboard. “Trust me on

this will ya? I got a hotshot robotic operations guy from

the guard base to oversee everything. He assures me that

just the very sight of this MARS robot will rid us of all

these protestin’ bastards. It’s go time!”

     He pressed the button on the little Motorola.

    “But, shouldn’t you try to—” the mayor stammered.

    “Okay Sergeant,” Newell announced into the handset,

“Let er roll…steady as she goes.”

     Off in the distance, just beyond a lengthy manicured

hedgerow, a rather sizeable olive green truck eased up by

the massive building’s bay of loading docks. A decidedly

ghostly presence it was lingering there, steady littl

puffs of gray exhaust materializing from its twin tail pipes.

The hydraulic tailgate soon slowly lowered and without any

noticeable hesitation the MARS confidently rolled out into the

driving rain. The wheel and treadmonstrosity with its rotating

turrets, omni-directional megaphones and rotating radar dish

looked as if it might be more at home on the craggy surface of

some distant planet or moon than on a hardware store parking lot.   

     “I’m good to go here chief,” a voice crackled into

the squad car’s mobile transceiver. It was Sergeant Mann.

“You wanna’ come over and supervise this little mission?”

     “We’ll be over directly sergeant,” Newell called into

his hand-mike. “You just roll that monster of yours out

there in front of that Mary Poppins party…put the fear of

God in ‘em…I want that whole lot cleared and opened for

business…comprende?”

     “Roger that,” Mann replied, and then clicked off.

     Within moments the young sergeant had managed to maneuver

the rolling robot through the relentless rain and across the puddled

parking lot. The Mars was as silent as death itself. Then…

   BE  ADVISED…YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS DISRUPTIVE…

YOU MUST DISPERSE…NOW BE  ADVISED…YOUR PRESENCE

HERE IS DISRUPTIVE…YOU MUST DISPERSE…YOU HAVE FIVE

MINUTES TO COMPLY… THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER WARNINGS…

REPEAT…THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER WARNINGS…   

         This bellicose blast from the redoubtable MARS came

just a split second before an ominous rumble of not so

distant thunder and a resounding crack of lightning

struck just beyond the wide-eyed throng of gaping 

protesters. As if these things weren’t enough, the

electric bolt from above must have somehow disengaged

the robot’s vertigo and timing mechanism. It did now

roll and rotate uncontrollably there in the shallow

reservoir that was the Home Depot parking lot. It was

spraying a nebulous cinnamon torrent of pepper spray and

tear gas in every direction as it turned and tilted all

about in an insane feral procession.     

     The combination of all this was more than enough to

make up the collective minds of the Arkansas activists.

There was a mad rush by all to the entrance of the waiting

hardware store. Even the steadfast security team abandoned

their umbrellas and position to retreat inside. Within far

less then the allotted time designated by the now dangerously

spasmodic MARS the lot was clear. Only an upended

mass of skeletal umbrellas and abandoned placards now

remained. The ominous sky had miraculously cleared. A

beaming sun, the bewildered Mayor Kleindienst, Sheriff

Newell and the quickly advancing Sergeant Mann now the

sole witnesses remaining outside to the bizarre event.

     The three collaborators eventually linked up at a

relatively safe distance on the vacant parking lot.

     “Can you stop the damn thing?” Kleindienst asked.

     “I hope…I mean… I think so,” Mann stuttered.

     Sergeant Mann had brought his control box with him

and was working feverishly with its knobs and joysticks.   

At last he managed to bring the crazed robot warrior to

a steaming stop. Eventually, the crimson cloud of pepper

spray and mace dissolved and the wary threesome, now

backed by a decidedly apprehensive collection of Barnowl’s

finest, carefully made their way forward. They soon were

circled around the now dormant robot. From inside the

store’s bank of glass doors the wide-eyed faces waited for

the future.

     “This is the first time I’ve ever had this…happen.” 

     “A little unorthodox sergeant, but pretty damn

effective none the less,” from a smiling, chewing Chief

Newell.

     “Indeed!” Mayor Kleindienst exclaimed in summation

as he threw up his arms in frustrated surrender.

                   

                           ____ The End ____